How I Stopped Shrinking Myself For Others
Confidence is often seen as a shield. It’s a polished force that lets us stride through life unbothered. But real confidence isn’t about having all the answers or fitting into a perfect mold. As I learned through my own journey, and as L.S. Hayden explains in her book Have You Ever Been Told You’re ‘A Lot’?; confidence is about embracing your true, messy self, even when others tell you to tone it down.
For years, I tried to fit into spaces that weren’t designed for me. I played small, quieted my voice, and held back my ideas to make others more comfortable. I convinced myself that if I just hid my voice, I’d be more likable, more accepted. But all that did was leave me feeling invisible.
Then came the moment that changed everything.
The Wake-Up Call: A Conversation That Changed My Perspective
I was sitting across from a life-long friend, when she asked me a simple but piercing question:
“Why do you keep holding yourself back?”
She pointed out what I couldn’t see: I was constantly fidgeting, dimming my excitement, apologizing, and second-guessing my instincts. And for what? To avoid making waves? To ensure others weren’t uncomfortable with my presence?
That realization hit me like a freight train. I had spent years seeking approval from people who would never give it, modifying myself to fit a version of “acceptable” that didn’t even belong to me.
That was the moment I decided: No more shrinking.
Boldness: Owning My Voice, Even When It Felt Uncomfortable
The first step was terrifying. Speaking up in meetings. Challenging ideas when I had a better one. Letting my natural enthusiasm show without apologizing for it.
There were moments of doubt. I worried I was coming off too strong, too direct. But each time I resisted the urge to shy away and shrink; I noticed something powerful happened … I felt lighter, freer. I wasn’t constantly managing perceptions. I was just being me.
And you know what? The right people responded. Instead of trying to fit into spaces that required me to be less, I started creating spaces where I could be more.
Vulnerability: The Strength I Never Knew I Had
For so long, I believed vulnerability was a weakness. I thought if I showed uncertainty, shared my struggles, or admitted I didn’t have it all figured out, people would see me as less, or just incompetent.
I was wrong.
Hayden’s book made me rethink everything I thought I knew about confidence. She describes vulnerability as a strength, not something to fear, but something to embrace. Vulnerability can build trust and allow you to grow.
When I started being more open about my failures, or even my insecurities … I saw a shift. People didn’t run. They leaned in. I built stronger relationships, deeper professional connections, and most importantly, a life I liked.
The Balance: How Boldness and Vulnerability Work Together
At first, I thought I had to choose between being strong or being open. Was being bold and vulnerable something I could manage? Yes. In reality, they fuel each other.
Boldness moves you forward. Vulnerability keeps you grounded. Together, they build real confidence.
I stopped shrinking, not just by asserting myself more, but by allowing myself to be seen fully. To be direct, but also receptive. To be strong, but also soft. To hold my space, but also let others in.
Lessons I Learned From Embracing My “A Lot”
- Reframe the Narrative – Being called “too much” used to feel like an insult. Now, I it rolls off my back. My energy, passion, and depth are assets, not burdens.
- Take Small Risks – Confidence isn’t built overnight. It starts with little steps: speaking up in a meeting, saying yes to something that scares you, showing up fully in a conversation.
- Self-Acceptance Over External Validation – Confidence doesn’t come from others’ approval. It comes from owning who you are, flaws and all.
So yes, I’ve been told I’m “a lot” or felt the pressure to tone down. Now I realize that it’s ok to take up space. Speak my mind. Show up fully. Because the world doesn’t need a watered-down version of me. It needs the real, unfiltered me.